I have said over and over that I would have never dreamed of my life being the way it is now. I know some of you guys are tired of hearing that, but when my best friend who was nothing more but a little sister to even though she is my niece, she was closer to me than any kid in my life had been. I would claim her as my sister to some, but everyone knew she was my niece. She was my whole world, especially after my nephew died, I knew right then Alyssa was a blessing. I can't wrap my ninety to nothing mind around the whole situation. She slept in the same bed as I did. We did EVERYTHING together. Every. Little. Thing! We would wake up every morning and I would pick at her about her "goat breath" and she would say "may maaaaaay". She knew I was joking. I would get her ready and sometimes my mother would, too. She was a blessing to my life as well as others. It felt like God knew I needed her. I needed her to be my purpose for living. I needed her to be the annoying little niece who would run in on me and my phone calls with a boyfriend I had at the time and end up getting of the phone and watching Peppa Pig until midnight laughing and carrying on. I needed her with me when I had to run to town. I needed her for my anxiety. She helped. She helped so much. If you seen me, you seen her. Now don't get me wrong, she wasn't with me twenty four seven, she had parents. I needed her when I was stressed to the max to the point I would cry in front of her without meaning to show her I was weak, yet she crawled up beside me and scooted a little closer while watching her cartoons. I knew I needed her when we had arguments and I stormed off mad while she stayed in the living room with mom and I felt lonely after fifteen minutes. I knew I needed her when she was gone and it sounded silent when she wouldn't have a temper tantrum because she was ill and sleepy. You'd think nobody would miss the crying and screaming, but I sure do. I knew I needed her when I stepped in the shower and seen the Mickey Mouse bubble bath and the toys and fell apart because she wasn't there anymore. I knew I needed her when I felt lonely sitting at the dinner table without her sticky fingers picking off of my plate. I knew I needed her when I felt absolutely empty because when she was here my life was semi normal. I knew I needed her when I wake up and have to worry sick about whether or not she's ate, she's bathed, she's okay, she's crying or what's going on. I knew I needed her when I'm in the middle of Walmart shopping and I don't have anyone tugging at my arm begging to go to the toy section. I knew I needed her when I would pull up to sonic and just ball because I didn't have anyone in the backseat telling me they wanted cheese sticks. It's been what, three years? Three years. Imagine someone you knew since BIRTH and spent almost every single second of every single day together, then boom, she's ripped out of your life and you find yourself in the shower just falling apart because you no longer have to rush to get out so they could get a bath before their bedtime, too, and then come and tell me that I need to have fun in life because everything I do will remind me of her and it is the worse pain ever. I knew I needed her when I would raise my phone up to take a selfie and I would catch myself about to say "Look!!! Selfie" and only to find myself talking to myself. I miss the whining. I knew I needed her when I would have to see her through pictures with other people and comment to beg them to tell her I love her. I miss the fights. I miss the good times. I miss the bad times, too, because when I thought they bad times were bad, I come to find out I was joking myself. I worry every second of every day about Alyssa and it's a living HELL. Nobody has it worse, nobody has it better. Humble yourself people. Remember this post for the next time you get aggravated at the little things your kids do. I wished I would've knew then what I know now. I miss you, Alyssa. May may still loves and thinks about you day to day. short items to wear in the wedding that is not expensive