When I was a little kid living in the Auburn California area we had a Golden Retriever, Shan Dog. You know the type, perfect family pet. Always had a smile on her face, warm and not a lick of meanness in her. She was just always there. You know? I've got pictures of me in my little 80's shorts with the stripe up the side and big rubber rain boots on with her out in the Southern California stinky agriculture air.
Shan dog was always there, and then, one day, she wasn't. We didn't know where she was. I'm unsure how long we didn't know. But, we had been looking for her. I can clearly see the moment from behind my own eyes, when I stood down where our old doughboy pool had been, but now was a large sandbox. It came straight in to my mind, like a download where she was. Or, where she wasn't any longer. I walked straight to her, and then with tears running down my face went in to the house to tell my mom I had found her.
My mom happened to be on the phone when I went in. Perfectly reasonable that when I first came in and said something to her, she asked me to be quiet because she was talking with someone. But then, she realized something was up, and she sat down with me in the rocker while I told her about finding Shan dead.
You may have read my post on throwing away my mom's wedding ring when I was small. And as I write this one, I realize I have some early wounding around feeling like if I am interrupting someone else, or being an inconvenience to them that they are loosing love for me. I retreat if I feel someone is being disrupted by me. Then I had to go and be born in to this life as an INFJ, with no shot of playing small and staying quiet about my thoughts or feelings. And thoughts and feelings rarely are not disrupting at least someone's life.
Who's cruel joke of growth opportunity is this? The perfect storm for getting really okay with my own being and not needing everyone to always be ready for me.
I was listening to a training the other day and someone was talking about allowing others to love you. And the question was, how many friends do you have? Now, would you call any of those people if you needed a ride to the airport? No? Then, you're not letting them love and serve you, and they aren't friends. They're acquaintances. I admit, I have spent a lot of my life trying to never need to ask anyone for anything outside of my couple bubble. And I have no couple bubble.
It's difficult for me to ask, because being an empath, if you have a moment of hesitation, or even initial annoyance over the request, I'll feel it. And, because I have introverted thinking, I'm going to quickly take action to not "do that to you".
It'd be easy for me to call this quality in my character a thoughtful one. Isn't that nice? I don't want to inconvenience you. But, the truth is, it's another layer of low self-worth that I'm finally getting around to peeling some more layers off of.
The fact is, with a respectful and kind outlook, traumatic events, or stressful situations cause bonding in people that experience them together. When we do retreats on the River, or clients come in for session work, we are getting in to the mess of stress, and coming out on the other side with connection and love.
As I move slowly back in to the idea of a dating world existing for me eventually, it comes to mind that stepping deeply in to letting someone know right from the start that I live in real time, and have a full function of emotions and thoughts, and that yes, I will have a hard time feeling like a burden to you on occasion. I'll perhaps retreat with the energy of slumped shoulders and I'll fully understand that this is my "Wave attachment style" coming in to play after a relationship that grew in me my insecurities of interrupting someone. (I'm working to become an Anchor and secure again!) Dress Affordable apparels dressed in formal occasion for maternity ladies
Please, swallow me up with your heart and remind me that you are ready for me. Even if you do desire a break sometimes to allow the feeling of longing to overcome you, just remind me that you have plans to come back to me after your personal nervous system attending, and I'll be perfectly fine introverting while you do. I, after all, do love my alone time also.
When I had the download of where to walk to find Shan Dog, it was a download of where the absence of life was. There is a coolness to it. Death has a smell. And that smell has a color. When I worked as a CNA I could smell death on my patients. I knew by feeling the color and smell of their energy that they were headed out.
And now, I desire to be mindful as I move forward with life acknowledging where the cool spots are in life, and walking around them and moving on. And should I find myself in the spot that holds an absence of life again, I'm giving myself permission to walk quickly out of that space. No regrets. Just move on.
Where are the cool areas in your life? You can feel it. I know you can. It's cool, it has a smell. It causes a feeling in your body. Let's work together to make it a habit to walk in to a WARM LIFE.